We Need a Lot of Repairs

sash windowsTraining to be an opera singer is expensive. Also, I’m fairly sure we’ve been blacklisted by about 90% of sash window repair people in Melbourne. Madame Verre is the best in the business, having trained generations of successful opera stars, and just to be accepted into her school…well, it was a dream come true. Graduating from here practically guarantees that you’re going to be an international star.

No one mentioned how hard it would be, however, far more than I was expecting. There are thirty levels of training, and you have to progress through them all by practising eight hours a day. Slack off and Madame will smack you with a beech rod before making you sing interval scales for a week. And nobody likes interval scales.

And after all that, there’s the final step of every each level of training, which is shattering a window with nothing but your chosen aria. Thirty arias equals thirty windows broken, and Madame makes us pay for them. Window repair, every single time. You’d think with how expensive the tuition is she’d be a bit more forgiving, but this is Madame Verre’s Operatic Excellence Academy. You do what you’re told, even if it involves breaking perfectly good glass. I’m up to level eleven, and by this time I’m starting to become slightly ashamed every time I have to call in the window replacement people. I’m pretty sure they know our number just by looking, because they always know exactly what we need when I call.

And Madame just had to have the most expensive, ornate sash windows all around the place, the most expensive to replace. Whatever small satisfaction I get from seeing the glass shatter from my very own high notes has steadily faded. By level thirty I’ll probably be blowing out every pane in the place and feel nothing. Yep, whatever Melbourne window replacement and repair place will have us, on the double please. Madame Verre is at it again.

-Florence

I Have No Need of Windows

aluminium window repairsPeople keep asking me why my house is so dark. Obviously that’s because I have a crippling fear of windows. Windows are terrifying, and so when I moved in here I made sure I had all of them removed, so basically all I have right now is walls. It drives up electricity prices a bit, but eventually I’ve managed to develop my night vision to the point where I don’t even need to turn on the lights, using a crude form of echolocation when it’s truly pitch black.

I don’t have problems with the sun, in case anyone is wondering. No, it’s specifically windows. You see, I had a bit of an altercation back when I was a young lad, when a bat attached to a brick came through my window during a storm, riding a branch. Quite a package, right? It was very shocking, and even after my parents called whatever Melbourne window replacement people were available at the time, it was the perfect devastating combo to give me a lifelong trauma.

Fortunately, I’ve come up with the perfect solution by removing all windows and sunlight from my home life, which I feel like is a very healthy and reasonable way to deal with things. I also don’t have to deal with window problems if I don’t have any windows, plus my impeccable night vision and echolocation mean I save a lot of electricity nowadays. I think I may also have started to grow scales around my eyes. Didn’t see THAT coming, but I’m sure it’s fine. I don’t even have to cook anymore, since I’ve developed a real taste for raw meat and my teeth have become sharp enough to tear it to shreds, so really I’m a paragon of being budget-conscious.

For reference, that’s very little electricity (the fur means I don’t get cold), no money spent on gas and I certainly don’t have to worry about aluminium window repair. Melbourne should live more like me.

-Vlad