Hello, welcome back to my Gardening Blog – Jim’s Gardening Blog, actually! I never was any good at marketing! (Just ask my publisher!)
Yes, I know that you all mostly love and adore me for my works as a pioneering author in the gardening space, constantly finding fresh insight in humanity’s oldest art. No, not that one, you fools – Gardening!
And now I’m bringing all of my God-given talents to this – the Internet! What an exciting time to be alive, what with so much connection, the shifting of the dynamics of power, and an ever-growing list of ways to reach a sizeable potential audience through precise, garden-oriented written content.
Oh, where was I? That’s right – you probably want to hear about my top tips for growing hippeastrums in Australia!
Well, to begin, you’re going to want to make sure that your soil is at exactly the right temperature…
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‘Done,’ I murmured to myself, hitting the Publish button with a smug grin. ‘That’ll drive them back to my books.’
I chuckled and got up to pour myself a soothing cup of green tea, with an even more soothing splash of vodka in it.
The phone rang as I walked past it into the kitchen, and I answered it with a sigh.
‘Jim Bean speaking,’ I said, dryly.
‘It’s Cynthia!’ crackled the voice on the other end, positively seething.
‘Oh, hullo,’ I smiled. ‘Did you see the new blog post? I think you’re right, this is going to be great for my online presence and image.’
‘You were supposed to send it to me first, you fool!’
‘I did,’ I frowned. ‘At least I thought I did? Isn’t that what the Publish button does?’
‘No!’ she screeched. ‘Why would literally anybody think that?!’
‘You forget I’m an old man,’ I said, sternly.
‘You’re fifty-three, you idiot,’ she growled at me. ‘I can’t believe what you wrote.’
‘What was wrong with it?’
‘Apart from the arrogance, sloppy spelling and general air that you’d rather be growing ground cover roses than touching a computer?’
‘What?’ my frown deepened. ‘What was wrong with my spelling?’
‘Take it down, now!’