Category: Boating

Television truly is in a wonderful age of specificity. I mean, you can just flick through the channels until you find something that’s exactly what you want to watch, or just find something else from the massive catchup library.

Yesterday I felt like watching a show where people name parts of boats, so I tuned into ‘Name That Boat Part and Where It’s From!’, the exciting show where people name parts of boats and where they’re from. Sometimes they make them stick their hands through a wall so they can’t see the boat part, but that doesn’t matter to these incredible boat boffins. My favourite at the moment is a guy called Jay, who can name pretty much anything. I watched him stick his hands through the wall and touch certain parts of an outboard motor, and he instantly said “Outboard motor, fitted in Melbourne!”

Such talent! They always have post-show interviews where the contestants explain their reasoning, and he said that Melbourne’s outboard motor services are just a bit different, which was how he was able to tell without even looking. Well, that makes sense!

A lot of people think ‘Name That Boat Part and Where It’s From!’ is getting a bit old, especially since we’re into season 37 and the writers much surely be running out of ideas for anchor winches and outboard motors, but I disagree. Boats and their various parts are simply timeless. They’re always great, not just for boating, but for naming on television shows, because that it a thing, and it makes sense, really.

It’s a very specific idea, and you wouldn’t think that many people would be into it, and you’d be right, but I love me some boat parts. Maybe one day I’ll be on the show, and I’ll pick up an anchor winch, and I’ll confident say “well, this has to be one of those anchor winches fitted in Melbourne, because I said so, and reasons.”

I’ve watched the show enough to be a professional.

-D.C.

I might have just pulled off some kind of world record, shameful as it is. I told Templeton to have the boat repaired and in literal ship-shape for my big party, and I was assured that the entire thing was functioning correctly after our cruise around the Bahamas where we were set upon by a shoal of killer whales. Not Killer Whales, mind you. These were ordinary whales with a killer instinct, and they proved it by their kamikaze attempts upon the ship. Fortunately, that was what we signed up for- an extreme trip to see the ocean’s most deadly and aggressive beasts, one we were assured carried a significant chance of ending us all- but to celebrate our survival I wanted to throw the biggest boat party Melbourne had ever seen.

Technically, that’s exactly what happened. I just thought that the preparations had included more…outboard motor servicing? Melbourne docks are renowned for their fast work, so I had everything planned out: we’d start off with general revelry in the docks, then head out to sea for the second phase. That’s right…my parties are all about escalation, just like my extreme, thrill-seeker life. Unfortunately, things didn’t pan out. The boat was booked in for the wrong week, making it more or less a very expensive floating paperweight. The killer whale attack even affected the power systems on board, so we weren’t able to plug anything in or light the place up.

Obviously the outboard motor servicing part was the most important, but for such a large vessel I wasn’t able to get the work done in a mere hour. So I thought quickly, lighting up the place with candles, bringing in battery-powered strobe lights and fog machines and re-terming the whole thing as a memorial party. Half the crew were eaten by whales, so it worked. Really need to get the ship booked in for some proper outboard motor repair in Melbourne somewhere. Also, that blood on the side of the hull is really killing the mood.

-Dirk