Family Fight!

Sometimes I really want to find another job. You wouldn’t expect to hear me say that, I know. How could the host of Australia’s uber-popular Family Fight not like his job? The thing is, you guys only see the good stuff. The very best of what we film. You get to see the epic, edge-of-your-seat moments when one family needs to get an answer right to avoid the caged tournament against the other family’s pet bear. It’s entertaining viewing, but what you don’t see is the thousands of episodes we film where absolutely nothing interesting happens.

Sorry, we just had a bad day on set, so I need to rant a little. Let me tell you a bit about an episode that is never going to be aired. We had the Smith family and the McGills against them. If I had a dollar for every Smith family we had on this show, I’d be a rich man. Anyway, everything started going wrong with the first round. We were going through the motions. We asked one hundred people this question, blah, blah, blah. The question was “Where might you find glass balustrades for Melbourne homes?”

Immediately Perry Smith slapped his buzzer and shouted his answer. “The moon!” Right then, I knew it was going to be a long night. The moon? You’d find a glass balustrade for use in Melbourne on the moon? This Perry guy was not too bright. Even if he meant Moon Land, the amusement park in Melbourne, that’s a terrible answer. What a dangerous place to put glass balustrades.

The next answer wasn’t much better. Teresa McGill had a shot next, and she said, “Wherever you get glass replacement.” I actually wanted to die when she uttered those words. Have you ever even watched Family Fight? That is never going to be an answer on the show. So yeah, that’s what I have to go through that you at home don’t get to see. The only consolation was that neither family guessed any answers right, so we had to go to Sudden Death, and thankfully there were no survivors. We only resort to Sudden Death in a desperate attempt to make the episode watchable, but let’s be honest, nothing could save this dumpster fire.

Why Not Decorative Glass

Is it at all possible to get frosted window glass for your car? I know that’s incredibly dangerous and blocks your view of the road entirely, and thus will probably turn your entire vehicle into a massive paperweight by all road standards and laws, but…wow, what a paperweight! I shouldn’t be so obsessed with looking different, but everyone has cars, so…I need to stand out.

I already got decorative window glass for my desk at work. Everyone else has a normal desk, and I just had to get one made of glass, decorative window glass no less. I tried to make the office absolutely fabulous, but the boss said that my habit of decorating everything made the place look unprofessional. Maybe that’s why the put my desk at the very back, so none of the visitors will see it.

In short, life is hard for an auteur such as myself. I see something as simple as window glass and I want to make it look even more wonderful. That’s why I’ve decorated all of my binders with stickers, and I spent four hours the other day getting my desktop background just perfect. Thought I had it with a picture of the Bavarian Alps surrounded by all my desktop icons in the shape of a beautiful Japanese manji, but then I saw this gorgeous shot of the National University, and I suddenly thought ‘why can’t my icons be arranged in an octopus shape, to honour the creature’s great intelligence and strength?’, and that took a while.

Oh, you know what’s gorgeous? Office glass tinting. So chic, so IN, so very functional to keep the sun out in the summer months. I’m going to work to make it happen. If I can’t get pineapples stuck all over the place, I can at least do this.


I’m No Glazier. That’s a Problem…

There’s so much glass here, in this city. I’ve been sent out to research glass and take notes on my findings. I’m finding it more difficult than it should be, mostly because there’s glass EVERYWHERE. Like, so many people use glass. It’s in every building, practically. I’ve managed to find one place that had no glass, but they had wooden shutters, so basically useless for building a structure on the moon.

I’m starting to regret lying on my application form and saying that I was an airtight glass specialist. I once did my work experience for a company in Melbourne that does glass repairs and replacement, and that wasn’t…I mean, it wasn’t absolutely YEARS ago. I still remember how to take out a window pane, and how to put a piece of glass INSIDE a window pane. I just might have embellished the part where I’m supposed to be doing all the glass work for the buggies, domes and…well, the things that are going to be keeping us alive. On the moon. I don’t even think rockets have glass in them, so I’m basically supposed to be creating some kind of scientific revolution. I just don’t think I properly estimated how sort on hands we’d be. It’s a pretty selective process to get in here, I said that I was a prodigy with glass…and now I’m the ONLY glass guy. Fun.

I actually just wanted to be put on the palace construction team, because they sound like they’ll be having all the fun. I know a bit about glass balustrading, at least enough to put some into the HQ of the big boss. I seriously thought that’d be enough, since glass balustrades are all shiny and new-looking. I’d be forever remembered in the new kingdom as that balustrading guy. Maybe I’d carve in my initials…if you can even do that with glass.

Nope. Now I’m responsible for keeping everyone alive. Wonder when I’m going to find a spare moment to confess THAT little secret?