I despise children. To think I ever was one sends a cold shiver up my spine and creates wayward twitch in the corner of my mouth, creasing the lines of my face in recognisable distaste. I find most everything about children displeasing. From the harsh sounds that explode out of their mouths to the grubby marks they leave on the surface of all they touch, they are a stain on the face of the earth. However, if they must be a necessarily stain, at least they are a temporary one. They are the embodiment of a phase that’s physical traits last at most fifteen years (while the psychological traits may last a lifetime).
Having expressed to you my intense hatred of these filthy little creatures, you will then understand my horror when I venture into the world and find these monsters in my surroundings. At places such as parks and near schools, the presence of children is only natural, and thus I have adequate time to brace for it. However, when unexpected, the effect of being subjected to their vicinity is magnified tenfold. When planning a quiet day in Melbourne, ice skating seemed the perfect fun yet relaxing activity to consumer myself with. I was extremely excited and had been on the ice not ten minutes when the arena exploded with sound. Shrill shrieks of demonic delight reverberated off the walls, shuddering through me, splitting my head right down the middle. Wildly, I skated up to one of the friendly staff members to inquire why the arena had suddenly been infested with children. Through a good-natured confusion, the girl replied that the ice skating rink doubled as one of the many kids birthday party venues in Melbourne. After pressing her further, I discovered the children would be there for at least another two hours. Naturally, that was when I decided to make my departure.
My question now is this: are there no children-free zones left to us?
I’m so sick of being on the stands. I’ve spent practically my whole life here, sitting in the freezing cold, rugged up in layer upon layer and a warm parka to boot. Folding my sister’s parkas over me as a kind of makeshift blanket because, even with all these layers, it’s still cold enough to make me nose turn red. Thank goodness the staff here are nice. At least they treat me as a person, not a pack mule.
For as long I can remember, this has been my life. Driving to the best ice skating lessons Melbourne has to offer and then trudging up to the stands to wait until it’s over. You see, my sisters are world class ice skaters. They’re beautiful on the ice, perfect, in fact, while I’ve never been allowed to even try my hand at skating. I’m a haemophiliac. Basically, what that means is that I have an extremely delicate constitution. It’s a genetic problem, so there’s nothing I can do about it, but it does mean I have to figuratively and sometimes even literally wrap myself up in cotton wool for my own protection. Thing is, fun usually entails not being wrapped in cotton wool. Being free. So even though ice skating looks like a whole world of fun, it’s not a world I can take part in, for my own safety.
In theory this sounds entirely reasonable, in practice it makes me miserable. Even when the twins used the rink as one of the most amazing kids party venues in Melbourne, I wasn’t allowed off the stands. My parents had to bring the food to me. Whatever you might think, eating cake on your own is a truly depressing experience.
So I’m sick of it. I’m sick of it all. I’ve had it. I’m going to put on these skates no matter what anyone says. I won’t live my life wrapped in cotton wool any longer. I want to live.
Often I wonder how people manage to get through each day in their lives without the help of medication. It seems like most people have no idea of common sense and logic. My seventeen year old daughter for example is a prime example of this phenomenon. The husband and I took the kids away for a nice family vacation together, but being at a difficult age, my daughter thought it would be boring and insisted on staying at home. She put forward a strong case for not coming along to the family holiday by saying she had far too much homework to do for her makeup course in Melbourne. It was a solid argument and one that I couldn’t help but agree with. She had worked so hard to get into the course and it was great to see she was taking her studies seriously. My wife was very proud of her little girl for following her dreams and enrolling in a makeup artist course. I think she was excited to have a beauty therapist in the family, she loves all that kind of stuff. The beauty course was even covered by hecs support, of course we were more than happy to support our daughter in any way we can.
When we got back from the family holiday we discovered to our horror that our daughter had fallen asleep with the deep fryer on. She’d been up the really late the night before finishing an assignment for her beauty course and had crashed out. Luckily she woke up to the sound of the fire alarm and a guy next door had called the fire brigade. I was relieved that nobody was hurt but furious at the kid for being so irresponsible. The fire was localised to the kitchen thankfully and there appeared to be minimal damage. The fire damage revealed part of the roof which appeared to have signs of termite activity. It was lucky that the fire happened in the end because as it turns out there was a large termite problem we didn’t know about. I wanted to get the termite Inspectors from Mornington to have a good look through the place just in case. They quickly confirmed my suspicions, we did indeed have a big termite problem. My daughter thought the whole thing was pretty funny, the smile faded when I grounded her for three weeks. No matter how hard you try as a parent sometimes children just need time to grow up and stop making bad decisions. I’m not angry that she almost burned the house down, I’m upset that she almost got herself killed. Try explaining that to a teenagers without getting an eye roll.
I explained to the man from pest inspections company in Melbourne what we had found as I walked him through the house towards the kitchen. He assured me that it would be a problem to carry out the termite treatment, Mornington has quite the termite problem it seems and thankfully we found the problem early. A few weeks after the termites had been sorted out I jokingly asked my daughter if he could turn the deep fryer on and cook up some chips for dinner. The house fell silent. Too soon for jokes?
I’ve been brewing my own beer from home for as long as I can remember. I can proudly say that I haven’t needed to buy any bottles of beer from a liquor store for years. In my opinion the big beer companies put their prices up too high, I just don’t see the point. I’m much happier brewing my own, it gives me the opportunity to make the drink taste how I like it. I’ve had the home brew set up in garage of the house for the past six months. It’s not an ideal setup, there isn’t any space for the cars. The last house I lived in had a shed with plenty of space, unfortunately this new house isn’t quite as big. My wife has been nagging for me to sort out a new space for months, complaining about the smell of alcohol ruining her carpets. She’s such a sweet woman, I’ve been meaning to do something nice for her to remind her how much I care.
We were watching television together with dinner then other night and a wedding program came on. My wife wouldn’t stop talking about how much she loved the limousine. We hadn’t been able to afford a wedding limousine, Melbourne wedding are more expensive than we had expected and had to cut costs. I’ve always felt bad about not being to give the love of my life the wedding she deserves. Once this commercial shed issue is sorted out I’m going to surprise my wife with a second wedding. I’ve already talked my sister in law about organising the limo hire in Melbourne. My wife has put up with a lot over the years. I’ve worked hard to get where we are and now it’s time to start giving back to the woman who has been with me every step of the way. I’m going to hire the most stylish limousine in Melbourne to take my wife to her dream wedding. I’ve got a lot to organise in the meantime but at least I have the making of a plan.
I told my wife that I’d replace the carpets once I finished this latest brew. She relented but we both knew I was never going to stop home brewing. The only thing for it was to build a new space specifically for my project. I phoned the best stable builders Tamworth has to offer and asked the lady working there about shed prices.
I wasn’t prepared to give up my home brew but at the same time I didn’t want to upset my wife anymore. I had to start being a better husband or I knew she’d leave me. My wife is incredibly attractive and the years have been kind to her. Meanwhile years of being outside in the sun working near farm barns had started to wrinkle my skin something terrible. My wife is a year older than me but looks ten years younger. I should have sorted out a brewing space the moment we moved in, not waited six months to start looking into commercial sheds. Tamworth is a wonderful place to live, it’s the perfect place to settle down and retire. The missus is going to be thrilled about the new arrangement.
I’m a big fan of Jeopardy! In fact, I might even be the super-fan, considering how studiously I watch it and take in all of its many wonderful lessons. Whenever I’m thinking, the music plays in my head. You know the piece. It’s playing in my head right now, in fact. Doo doo doo, duh duh doo doo doo…
I’m not crazy. Would a crazy people be the Jeopardy! Club’s reigning champion three years running? In fact, I’ve designed an algorithm that could generate new questions on a whim, just to keep the show from becoming stale, and I think that’s how I’m going to get a job. See, I’m currently enrolled in a software development course, but I have different ambitions to most of my classmates. I don’t just want to create useful applications, work for Macrosolid or get a job in IT. Nope, I’m in it to win it. And by winning it, I mean a job programming for Jeopardy! That’s why I took software design and development. I had the idea, and I’m growing that idea into a ripper of an idea that’ll take the system by storm. In fact, only a year into my course and I’m nearly done. It’s really given me the proper groundwork, the foundation upon which my idea may be developed, so to speak.
And of course, whenever I need to think about anything, I just hear that beautiful music. Doo doo doo…I wish everyone could hear it. It’s so very soothing, so conducive to technical work. If only all of my fellows within this IT course could have a burning drive to succeed such as I. But that’s just what happens when you pursue your dreams. I can’t wait to introduce my algorithm to Jeopardy! I’ll revitalise the show AND be a part of its history. That is, if I can get myself a nice old degree, courtesy of my course in software development. Melbourne people like myself need a qualification if we’re to be taken seriously.
We began looking for wedding venues in Lakes entrance a year in advance as we knew venues often were fully booked even months or years down the track. My wife to be and I were both set on a wedding marquee hire as we knew this would have the elegant and traditional touch we were looking for. We had looked at numerous Melbourne marquee hire options to give ourselves an idea of exactly what we had wanted. After some discussion and a little disagreement. We finally decided to go for a small marquee hire which had an intimate yet open and spacious feel as it was a clearspan marquee hire. With clear roofs and walls which enabled the light to flood in.
Once we had decided on the style and size of the marquee are thoughts quickly turned to the venue. Both I and my partner have a lifelong love of the water in particular the lakes in Victoria. There’s something very romantic about lakes, the peaceful and tranquil nature of them create the most amazing back drop for any wedding marquee hire. I just knew the tent hire would look amazing especially with the silk lining through the roof and the black timber dance floor.
The venue of choice was one of the many beautiful lakes scattered around the Murray River. The Venue was within an hour’s striking distance of Melbourne. Which meant the clearspan marquee hire structure could be delivered on site by a truck and assembled that same day. The day of the marquee set up I made sure I was on site to ensure the quality was up to my standard. My job was to help decorate the marquee with hundreds of meters of fairy lights. Once the evening came around the marquee seemed to glow and the reflection shimmered across the surface of the lake it was at this very moment I knew we had achieved what we had set out to create.